Today

by Sonja Aiken Struthers

Today I stand in the shower and watch the water
Run down the wreckage that is my body
A body that four months ago was still me

Today I do not know the person in the mirror
There is nothing left there that I recognize

Today I sit to dry what is left of my hair
And wonder why…
The drugs and my Moriarty will take this as well

Today I look at the face of my husband and I am torn between overwhelming guilt and gratitude
So pale…dark shadows beneath his eyes; belying the cheerful voice and fear I know fills his heart
Trying to do everything while assuring me it is not too much, the cost not too high

I weep because I know that it is

Today I went outside into my garden to trim the dead flowers from my roses
Desperate for a sense of normalcy
Hoping I will see them bloom again

Today my beautiful dogs lay their noble heads in my lap to comfort me
My steadfast guardians
They lick the tears from my face and know I am still Mom

Today I consider my options
Hope is elsewhere

Today, I am not brave

©Sonja L. Struthers 7.29.13

My Friend

by Sonja Aiken Struthers

morning

he surprises me, anew, every morning
he pulls me into consciousness
thief! he steals the warmth from the morning sun
thief! he steals the light from my eyes in the mirror
my protector, he soothes me
do not worry my dear; you will not feel today
i am grateful

day

he is a kind and thoughtful friend
my constant companion, he comforts me
do not worry my dear; someday you will not need me
you will learn not to feel on your own
i am not hungry
he spoons ashes into my mouth
i am grateful

night

i can no longer stay awake
he is here
brushing the tears from my face
caressing my cheek
wrapping me in his frozen embrace and whispering in my ear
do not worry my dear; i will stay until you fall asleep
i am grateful

my friend, my grief



Sonja Struthers
©October 2009
The Word Works/Sage Press